The Blog

Conflict –

It is inevitable; whenever you have a relationship with someone, you have conflict at some point.  From time to time you will disagree with the people in your life and them with you,  you can choose to face it head-on, avoid it, or live your life in such a way that you constantly change the way you feel to please the other person.

Conflict is often unpleasant and uncomfortable, standing up for yourself and your beliefs or simply standing in your truth can trigger conflict and most people would rather avoid a disagreement than play it out.  The more head strong and passionate a person you are, the more volatile conflict can be.  The more passive and yielding you are, the more you are inclined to avoid an argument, you simply swallow your true feelings in favor of keeping the peace, but this mode of operation comes at a price.

If you chose the path of least resistance and avoid conflict, swallowing your true feelings, you may find yourself resentful.  Bending and yielding in some cases can be a good thing, if the matter you have conflict about is of little importance and you are not burring your true self and feelings.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to let things go.  Alternatively, if you find yourself giving in, compromising your authentic self and your beliefs, you may be doing yourself and the other person a great disservice.  A person can only swallow so much before they blow and holding things in can eventually cause a devastating eruption.

In Hawaii, the people say that they don’t worry so much about major volcanic eruptions if they know that the active volcano is venting, letting out a steady flow or steam once in a while.  They know they are safe from major catastrophe if Pele, the volcano goddess, is spewing from time to time.  They worry if she is silent for too long because they know that eventually she will blow and the longer the interval between eruptions, the greater the blow.  This is a powerful metaphor for conflict in relationships.

It is not only healthy to have conflict, it is vital to your personal growth.  If handled properly, conflict can show you your limiting beliefs, deepest core issues and true self, it can be a tool for closeness and intimacy with yourself and your partner.   Whenever conflict comes up, look at it as an opportunity for growth and closeness, Understand that you are now ready to look deeper at yourself and the person you are in conflict with and in your mind let go of the negative feelings about arguments.  When conflict arises, magic pause it, tell yourself that this will be a great learning experience and indeed, it will be.

When you enter into conflict, remember that it will not serve you to be nasty, make fun of the other person, belittle them, call them names, become defensive or have a smugness about you.  Enter conflict from a new perspective, one of a wide-eyed child, let go of your ego and become humble, be receptive.  Take self responsibility and let go of the need to be right.  Speak your mind and allow the other person to do the same.  Give each other ample time to discuss your perspective on the situation.  If you each grab a pen and paper and make notes, you will find that allowing the other person to vent becomes easier, you are less inclined to stop their train of thought to defend your point of view in the moment.  Breathe deeply and allow yourselves to honestly present your feelings, in the calmest way you can.  Do your best to not raise your voice, although this can be difficult, it is paramount; remember you are in a way getting schooled.

If you feel very passionate then before you allow each other to vent do something to allow the passion to move through your body: take a run, get on a bike, get in your car, close the windows and scream, anything to let the passion out before approaching the issue.

You can also agree to each write an essay about your point of view and exchange papers, make notes and then discuss point by point, each reading the other’s essay and the notes you made.  The key is to allow each person to be heard, to allow each issue ample time to resolve.
Listen to what the other person has to say, take responsibility for what is yours.  Go into your childhood memories, past relationships and your past patters to examine yourself, share these discoveries with your partner and encourage them to do the same.  It may seem at first that you are angry with the other person but with a little self examination you will come to understand differently.

If you enter into conflict correctly, you will come out of it having learned something more about yourself and the other person.  Often times you will come to understand that you are not always angry about what you think you are angry about.  Look for the pearls of wisdom and self discovery through conflict and eventually, you will celebrate when conflict arises.

Explore The Process of conflict!